South Park Play Ė Blind Date

Angie Locke, Roxanne Tarantelli, Adam Jones, Derek Durbin, Seth Rice

 

(Angie and Seth are walking home from school)

 

Angie: My sister Roxanne has been driving me crazy. All she talks about is how she wants a boyfriend.

 

Seth: You know what, my brother, Derek, wants a girlfriend.

 

Angie: We should set them up on a blind date. (jokingly)

 

Seth: Letís do it. Tell Roxanne that Derek will pick her up at seven oíclock tonight. (Seriously)

 

(Seth and Angie go to their houses.)

 

Angie: Hi Roxanne. I have some great news. Hurry up! You have to get ready. Youíre going on a date with Sethís brother, Derek.

 

Roxanne: A date!

 

Angie: Yes, a date. Now come on, letís get you ready.

 

Roxanne: I donít know what to do on a date.

 

Angie: Iíll help you.

 

Seth: Guess what Derek? You are going on a date with Angieís sister, Roxanne.

 

Derek: What do you mean?

 

Seth: Exactly what I said. Youíre going on a date.

 

Derek: But I donít know what to say to her. I donít even know her.

 

Seth: Get ready and Iíll help you. First of all, donít use any verbs during the entire meal.

 

Angie: Remember to enunciate your verbs when you speak.

 

Seth: Repeat every third word you say.

 

Angie: Donít repeat yourself.

 

Seth: Stare at her neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

 

Angie: Do not let your mind wander because then youíll stare at him, and you donít want to stare at him.

 

Seth: Wipe your nose on her sleeve, twice.

 

Angie: Bring lots of tissues in case you get a runny nose.

 

Seth: Get the bucket out of the garage and take it with you. Tell her that you get frequently ill.

 

Angie: If you feel sick, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Donít give him any indication that you may be ill.

 

Seth: Take a break and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell her with a straight face, "They need to air out." That always breaks the ice, and itíll surely make her laugh.

 

Roxanne: He wonít do anything totally strange to break the ice will he?

 

Angie: Of course not.

 

Seth: Once your meal comes, slide under the table and take your plate with you.

When you come back up, refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening. Then, be sure to chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth, and say, "I think that now Iím all about conversation."

 

Angie: Chew with your mouth closed, and donít talk with your mouth full. Any

questions?

 

Roxanne: No.

 

Angie: I want you to have fun. Wait here, and Iíll get the door when he comes. That

way you can make an entrance.

 

Seth: Donít forget to bring 20 candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle chant. Any questions?

 

Derek: What happens if. . .?

 

Seth: Great! Leave now or youíll be late. Have fun!

 

Angie: Hi Derek. Come on in. Roxanne, Derek is here!

 

Roxanne: Hi Derek.

 

Derek: Hi Roxanne. You look nice.

 

Angie: By kids. Have fun.

 

(At the restaurant.)

 

Derek: What want to to eat?

 

Roxanne: EXCUSE me.

 

Derek: What order?

 

Roxanne: I CAN not UNDERSTAND you.

 

Adam (the waiter): Can I take your order?

 

Derek: We more time time.

 

Adam: Iíll be back.

 

(Derek stares at Roxanneís neck)

 

Roxanne: Why are you staring at my neck.

 

Derek: I sorry Roxanne Roxanne.

 

(Derek takes Roxanneís sleeve and wipes his nose twice)

 

Roxanne: (screams) What are you doing! (as she hands him a tissue) Here.

 

Derek: I sorry Roxanne Roxanne.

 

Roxanne: Why did you bring that bucket?

 

Derek: I frequently ill ill.

 

Roxanne: oh.

 

Derek: I be back back.

 

Adam: Looks like your date isnít going to well.

 

Roxanne: Heís weird. I let my sister fix me up. She knows his brother.

 

Adam: That was your first mistake. You should never let your sister fix you up. Iíll try to help you out.

 

(Derek is walking towards Roxanne carrying underwear.)

 

Adam: Whoa man. What do you think youíre doing.

 

Derek: My date isnít going too well, and my brother told me this would be a good ice breaker.

 

Adam: What is your brother, some kind of weirdo?

 

Derek: No, he just tried to help me.

 

Adam: What else did your brother tell you?

 

Derek: Well, I already did everything except for the ice breaker and sliding under the table, and the candle circle chant.

 

Adam: Does your brother have a girlfriend?

 

Derek: No.

 

Adam: Well, I do and I think you should take my advice. First, apologize to her and tell her that you werenít acting like yourself, which was a stupid thing to do.

 

Derek: Do I have to use the word Stupid.

 

Adam: STUPID. Then, just be yourself, and forget what your brother told you.

 

Derek: Iím sorry for the way I was acting. I wasnít being myself which was a (looks at Adam and Adam nods) stupid thing to do.

 

Roxanne: Donít worry about it. Can we order? Iím really hungry.